To Open or Not to Open

July 8, 2024

To Open or Not to Open: Navigating monogamish, consensual non-monogamy, and polyamory.

Some of the couples I work with are either exploring or are having a consensual non-monogamous relationship. With that I mean a wide range of relationship styles where all partners involved agree to engage in romantic or sexual relationships with other people outside of the primary partnership e.g. open relationships, swinging, and polyamory.

Some terminology

Before I dive deeper into the way to go about this, I want to address some terminology first.

Monogamish: Monogamish refers to a relationship dynamic where a couple primarily identifies as monogamous but occasionally engages in consensual non-monogamous activities, such as occasional sexual encounters with others or exploring non-monogamous experiences together.

Polyamory: Polyamory involves having multiple romantic or emotional relationships with the full consent and knowledge of all parties involved. Unlike monogamy, where individuals typically have one romantic partner, polyamorous relationships may involve multiple partners simultaneously, with a focus on open communication, honesty, and ethical behaviour.

Open Relationship: An open relationship is a form of consensual non-monogamy where partners agree to engage in romantic or sexual relationships with other people outside of their primary partnership.

Monogamy: Monogamy is a relationship dynamic where two individuals commit exclusively to each other romantically and sexually.

Why Opening up

The decision to open up a relationship is deeply personal and different for everyone.

One of the reasons I often hear is that the couple feels a desire for sexual exploration and sexual variety. It could be the desire to fulfil a fantasy that that may not be possible in their own relationship.

e.g. I had a client where one of the partners wanted to explore BDSM while the other had no interest to do so. They decided to open up so the partner that wanted to explore BDSM could do so outside of the relationship. In another couple I worked with, one of the partners was bi-sexual. They decided to open up the relationship so the partner could explore outside of the relationship.

Another reason to open up could be the desire to emotional connections with multiple partners, believing that love and intimacy could be experienced with more than one person.

Additionally, some of my clients believe that opening up a relationship can provide an opportunity for personal growth, allowing individuals to explore various aspects of themselves and their desires in a safe and consensual manner.

Again, the decision to open up or not is a very personal choice and whether or not to do it is really up to the couple involved.

Having said that, there are some ‘’ground rules’’ when it comes to safely opening up:

Both partners genuinely consent to opening up the relationship.

Opening up a relationship requires a foundation of connection, great communication, trust, and mutual respect. It is essential that both partners are genuinely on board and fully comfortable with the decision to explore non-monogamy. If one partner feels pressured or coerced into opening up the relationship, it will likely result in resentment, jealousy, and ultimately, the erosion of trust and connection.

True consent means that both individuals have freely chosen to pursue non-monogamy, with a clear understanding of the potential challenges and a commitment to navigating them together. Without this genuine consent from both partners, opening up a relationship is unlikely to succeed.

Opening up a relationship that has problems, will not improve it.

Opening up a relationship as a solution to relationship problems is like building a house on shaky ground—it is unlikely to withstand the test of time.

While non-monogamy can offer some couples great opportunities for growth and exploration, it is not a quick fix for underlying relationship problems. In fact, introducing additional (sexual) partners into a relationship that is already struggling might increase existing issues, resulting in heightened jealousy, insecurity, and communication breakdowns.

If your relationship is struggling and you are considering opening up the relationship, it is key to address and resolve any underlying issues before considering non-monogamy, ensuring that the foundation of the relationship is strong enough to support the complexities of an open dynamic.

If one of you is unable to cope, STOP!

If one partner finds themselves unable to cope with the challenges of an open relationship, you have to hit the brakes and reassess. Open relationships require a high level of emotional maturity, a sense of stability and security in the relationship, great communication, and self-awareness from all parties involved.

If one partner feels overwhelmed, insecure, or unable to navigate the complexities of non-monogamy, continuing forward can lead to resentment, emotional harm, and ultimately, the erosion of trust and intimacy. Therefore, you have to honour each other’s emotional well-being and boundaries. If your partner is struggling, it is crucial to pause, reevaluate, and prioritize their needs above all else.

Don’t try to have the same rules for each other.

Attempting to have identical rules for both partners in an open relationship overlooks the individual and unique needs, desires, and boundaries of each partner. What works for one person may not necessarily work for the other, and imposing uniformity can lead to feelings of imbalance, and frustration.

Instead, embrace flexibility, open communication, and allow each partner behaviour to be based on their own desires balanced against the other person’s level of emotional intensity.

Start slow.

Starting slow in an open relationship, perhaps with something as simple as kissing someone else, allows both partners to gradually acclimate to the new dynamic while building trust and communication. You might find that this is already so intolerable for one or both of the partners that you have to conclude that opening up is not for you.

Rushing into more intimate encounters before establishing a solid foundation of understanding and comfort can lead to feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and uncertainty. By taking small steps together, couples can navigate the complexities of non-monogamy at a pace that feels manageable and respectful to both parties. This approach fosters a sense of safety and mutual support, laying the groundwork for deeper exploration and connection as the relationship evolves.

Make clear rules.

When opening up a relationship, setting clear boundaries is crucial to ensure that both partners feel safe, respected, and secure in the new dynamic. Clear boundaries establish guidelines for acceptable behaviour, helping to prevent misunderstandings, jealousy, and hurt feelings. They provide a framework for communication and decision-making, allowing couples to navigate the complexities of non-monogamy with honesty and transparency. Additionally, clear boundaries promote mutual trust and respect, fostering a sense of security and emotional intimacy between partners.

Some examples of rules that couples make:

Sexual boundaries: Couples may establish rules around sexual activity with others, such as agreeing to only engage in sexual encounters with people outside the relationship whom they do not know personally. Additionally, they mostly agree to practice safe sex and always use protection to prevent STD’s.

Emotional boundaries: Some couples set rules around emotional involvement with others, such as agreeing to communicate openly and honestly if they develop feelings for someone outside the relationship. This transparency can help to maintain a sense of trust and security in the relationship.

Frequency and exclusivity: Some couples may establish rules around the frequency of engaging with other partners, such as agreeing to limit encounters to a certain number of times per month or to only see the same partner a set number of times. This may help to maintain balance and prevents one partner from feeling neglected or left out.

Privacy and discretion: For some couples it is important to agree to keep their non-monogamous activities private and discreet, respecting each other’s privacy and not sharing details about their encounters with others without the consent of their partner. This helps to protect the confidentiality of their relationship and prevents potential conflicts or misunderstandings.

Boundaries with mutual friends: To avoid complications and potential conflicts of interest, often times couples establish rules around engaging in sexual or romantic activities with mutual friends. This helps preserve the integrity of their social circle and prevents jealousy or resentment from arising within the group.

Checking in: Regular communication and check-ins are essential for maintaining trust and intimacy in a non-monogamous relationship. Couples may establish rules around checking in with each other before and after encounters with other partners, ensuring that both partners feel heard, supported, and respected throughout the process.

Final thought

In conclusion, whether you choose to explore non-monogamy or maintain a strictly monogamous relationship, the key lies in treating each other with respect, fostering open communication, and prioritizing the well-being of your partner and the relationship above all else. Regardless of the relationship dynamic you choose, investing in building trust, strengthening your connection, and nurturing mutual understanding is essential for a fulfilling and lasting partnership.

Ultimately, the most important thing is to create a relationship dynamic that feels authentic and fulfilling for both partners, while staying true to your values and honouring the commitments you’ve made to each other.